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I don’t think I spent much time in my life planning. I think I was in the now, surrounded by so many things to do and really lead by a four-letter word – COPE! It wasn’t like that originally – there were no responsibilities, so coping is not real, not tangible. Now it is – I mean it really is!
Life was just always busy. I think as a young man my poor prefrontal cortex development meant I was a risk taker. That preoccupied me. Everywhere was an opportunity with unbridled positiveness and expectation. It was not hope – it was a certainty – I deserved this! I want forward!
If I am frank, I miss that attitude. I feel I am stuck because I can’t decide what to do, where to go, I just try and make it through the day. And then it’s a week, a month, another year... then!!! Covid hit!!!
"I liked not being in my life. I liked the exit."
Finally, I could breathe, I could not go to work, so I gardened. My family were stuck with me, so we learned to get on. I liked not being in my life. I liked the exit! I liked trying to work out who I was. Even a bit of courage started creeping back. I wanted change, I needed change. I craved change!
How come I had become so risk averse, so slack at looking after myself, my injuries, my weight and why was my life so damn boring now, so predictable, so same! Where had little Ed gone, where was the fun and why did I think I was so important – what a burden!
I realised I was older. I had serious injuries that meant compensatory lifestyle. I had money in assets and just a little bit more would be more things. I needed more things, right? I needed to be ready – really ready!! For what?
Who is that bastard in the mirror. He’s grey, balding, and weight not really where it should be. But he looks sad. I don’t know if he is smart anymore? His kids have realised that. His wife is hopeful it is temporary. Surely he can talk about things other than sport, weather, money. Hold on their opinions!! Confusing really. Where is his tribe? What do they look like?
I think he is transgressing into neanderthal, need a knee and shoulder replacement, why am I sore, why do people not notice me, Ed. Oh dear!
To quote – we lead two lives, the second begins when we realise we only have one. I only Have 1!
Time to re-educate – start with nutrition, mental health, lifestyle medicine – tick then time to action it.
Can I heal my body without immediate surgery? Can we live with arthritis? Can I lose weight? Is my body fixable? Can I fine hope and excitement and respect – without demanding it? Can I earn it? Can I be interesting to myself and to others?
Today take some time just to sit and ponder. Look at your life without judgement and just observe the way you live, the things you do and say and are they ok with whom you want to be?
